do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The best revenge is premature balding
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You took a bar mat shot.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
