This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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