so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
