do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
