my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
