Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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