if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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