I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
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