just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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