She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
