He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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