Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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