To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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