I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
