You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
