I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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