I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
