i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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