also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
