I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
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