i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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