Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
