life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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