yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
