You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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