I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
