I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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