It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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