my sisters under your porch take her home
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
