He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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