everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
