What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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