ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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