I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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