Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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