My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
