what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
