I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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