my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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