Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You need a sexual gate keeper
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
