I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
