if you like me you must not know who I am
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
