the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
