Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
