cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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