new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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