I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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