listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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