oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
