I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
