I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
