That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
